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LETTING
GO
It
was a perfect summer evening...warm as an angel's breath. The
sweet scent of lilacs filled the still air. Birds called each
other to roost and insect sounds - clicking and chirping - permeated
the twilight. Darkness would silence until dawn. A woman sat
on the grey stone bench, her arm flung around the intricate
wrought iron railing and she trembled like a leaf in the wind.
Her head was lowered and she kept her attention focused on the
bunch of lily of the valley she had tied with pink ribbons.
She began to think of him. Dearest husband, the love of her
life, the one who brought the laughter to her lips and the sparkle
to her eyes. Her only love...the man who was father to her children
and with whom she thought she would live a fairy tale, happily
ever after life. She remembered how she had clung to him as
they rose high up on the Ferris wheel at Canada's Wonderland;
she recalled his boyish excitement when he caught that huge
fish just off the pier at the point - how he laughed at her
tears, then threw the prize pickerel back into the lake; she
remembered the exact moment when he first held her tight and
promised to love her forever. Forever. How short forever is
when love is gone. Her blue eyes filled with tears and she began
to sob, softly at first and then with a great desolate shuddering.
She was drowning in the pain, void of hope for a better tomorrow.
"He is gone", she wailed in silence, "gone from me now and always....How
could God let this happen?" Alice stood up. She stooped over
as if she carried a tremendous burden but she bravely walked
down the path to where he lay. The ground was covered in moss
and smelled of pine and earth. She stopped just a few feet from
the place. Grass had already grown over the spot and the long
pieces that grew closest to the white marker seemed to caress
the memory of a husband gone too soon . Alice bent down and
placed the flowers close to the stone. Tears overcame the woman
again. Grief gave way and she flung herself onto the cool green
grass and surrendered to her grief. The sounds of her sobbing
broke the night's heart and everything grew still all around.
Finally, the exhausted woman slept...curled up on her side,
one hand touching the small bouquet, the other just grazing
the cold grave stone, as if her touch could bring him back once
more. As she slept, she dreamed. She dreamed an angel came and
curled up beside her, holding her close. She dreamed an angel
voice breathed into her ear. "Dear heart, let go. You cannot
fight this pain alone. God wants to help. Do not drive him away
with accusations! God wants you to know that He cannot intervene
and neither can He instruct his angels to do so; He has sent
me to help you through this darkness and to show you how to
love your life again." Kathryn stiffened. She wanted to turn
on the angel and demand an explanation but the fight had long
since gone. She felt only exhaustion. She thought for a moment
then asked quietly, "What am I to do now?" The angel smiled
and began to caress Alice's hair ever so gently. "You are to
trust that the world is unfolding exactly as it should. You
are to count your blessings. You have so many gifts...the magical
memories of this wonderful man, the sweet experience of loving
him, the courage you were not even aware of until this moment."
The angel held Kathryn close - one huge gossamer wing covering
the woman entirely like a white blanket against the dark night.
"Mostly", the angel continued, "God wants you to know the He
loves you and He loves Jim. Your soulmate is a shining light
up in the sky now and he will dwell in God's kingdom until you
meet again". There was such comfort and reassurance in the angel's
words that Alice felt herself slipping into deep healing slumber.
She meant to stay awake and ask the angel more but she surrendered
to the warmth and to the darkness. Her breathing grew slow and
even. Much later, the clock in a nearby church tower began to
chime, the sounds echoing through the night. Alice opened her
eyes. She was alone but she felt safe and calm. Something had
happened and she tried valiantly to recall what. One hand still
touched the grave marker. She slowly traced each letter of his
name before rolling over onto her back in the fragrant grass.
Something had happened! The moon hung high and bright. The woman
looked up into a clear dark sky and rested her gaze on a single
shining star. As she stared at the dazzling point of light,
she imagined his face up there looking down to where she lay.
She imagined that she heard his voice say, "I will always be
your love and so the might of this small bright star that comforts
you tonight". She felt centered and at peace for the first time
since the accident. Kathryn smoothed her skirt and moved silently
back down the path toward home. The guardian watched and smiled
as little bells chimed softly throughout all of heaven. Other
angels gathered and began to celebrate.
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