"Into the water's world she looked to find where she belonged. She found the answer staring back It was her Self she found."

My Darkest Day

I begin now. I will search my inner resources for the courage necessary to face my demons and honour the spirit inside me. I can remember saying, "I am feminine perfection that enchants the world" years and years ago. I am beginning an inner journey, the goal is peace, harmony and wellness.

My name is Susan.

: I used to wake up and think, "Another day, another dollar" but that ended with forced retirement. I guess giving up my career was a most painful experience and certainly it did nothing to help my self esteem. Early in my marriage I stayed home to raise my children but once they were safely in grade school I began to look for some creative outlet where I could shine. I was driven to dance out into the world and make a difference! Once I found suitable employment, I felt worthy for the very first time in my life....worth the money I made so when I was finally forced to quit work due to illness, my worth disappeared along with the paychecks that were no more. What an adjustment! I kept having the feeling that I was taking up space, eating, breathing and that I gave nothing in return so I was not worth the life breath that was in me. If you said this to me, I would assure you that you are worth something even if you do not contribute to the greater scheme of things, but when I became the subject of discussion, I simply felt useless, hopless and worthless. It troubles me that I am so much more generous with others than I am with myself. I am my own worst enemy so it will be very difficult to become friends with myself and try to help me up and out of the mire. I love children. My greatest loss is that I did not have a little girl to love although one of my two grown sons may one day provide me with a grand daughter and that will be exquisite! Meanwhile, my only method of starting to love myself is to pretend I am the child who needs to be loved and just love myself. Does this make sense to anyone? Now that summer is finally here, the sun is shining so much longer and I feel as if I am just waking up from a long, troubled sleep in a dark cold place. We lost both of Bob's parents recently and the day after Christmas his only brother killed himself. Three months later my mother died and everything in my world stood still. My mother and I had just rekindled a relationship after a year of estrangement and I lost her way too soon. We just made up for heaven's sake! It will sound funny to all of you because I am 57 but I honestly felt like an orphan suddenly. My father died ten years ago and now Bob and I are the old people in our family...which is fine as the others can count on us.....but....who can I count on now??? I became closer to my friend Cheryl who I loved deeply. At 52, Cheryl left us too - just went and died of cancer and the whole world went black. I seemed to be doing OK all things considered and one day a friend called to ask me to come over to check his bird. He had a pet parrot that was egg bound and although she didn't seem in too much distress he thought it best that I take a look. Well, I went over and put the little bird in a dish of warm water all the while talking soothingly to her. I put vegetable oil around her vent to help her ease the egg out. After some time, I suggested he put her in the cage and if nothing happened by morning, take her to the vet. Early the next day, I dropped over to see how she was doing and he answered the door in total anguish....his beloved pet had died and my world exploded. I am weeping now as I remember the total helplessness I felt....and the guilt...and the sorrow...and the regret that I didn't make him take her in yesterday. All those deaths behind me and I was overcome by the loss of a little bird and darkness came. There is a helplessness that is so frustrating when I try to change things that just can't be changed. I can't seem to give in gracefully and I can't seem to find acceptance in my heart for what is. I long to fix things....make them right again. I want to believe in magic and I wish I had the power to just decide how my life will be.

Surprisingly enough, I also feel as if I have great inner strength right now too even though I have barely just begun. Amazing! Little quirks of fate and everthing turns around. It feels like I was always looking out of one window at the grey cinder blocks, weeds, dilapatated buildings, broken glass...and suddenly I got up and moved to a place where I could look out a different window. I am in the same place but have a better view. Go figure.