Excerpts from BRIDGES: A Journey of Transition by Susan Duxter

TAKING RISKS

I used to live my life so carefully-afraid to make noise, afraid to cry, afraid to jiggle--and now I see how very much I missed. Today, it is important for me to test myself, to take risks. I give myself the chance to enjoy the challenges and delights in every experience. I've learned the truly great experiences require letting go of fear--they demand the leaps of faith that lead us to a whole new approach to living. For me, risk-taking is a consideration every time I scuba dive. As the dive boat nears the site, my overwhelming sense of apprehension borders on icy fear. The voice inside cautions: You aren't in peak physical condition, you're overweight. you're over forty, you're female. I imagine the possibilities--I might run out of air, I might encounter a bad-natured marauding shark, my equipment could get tangled in long sea grass or the anchor chain of a shipwreck--so many scary thoughts enter my mind to destroy my confidence. My serenity is interrupted; I falter. I think perhaps the waves are too big today. My mind flashes back to the other mothers lounging back at the pool side. Safe? Yes. Boring? Yes. I say to myself, "Get into the water, Susan. Make a careful descent. Remember your training." My heart is in my throat as I leap into the water and begin to let the air out of my buoyancy compensator. I descend. Suddenly, the fear is forgotten. The magic of the sea embraces me. I am a part of the ocean, just another of its many inhabitants who belong to the mystery. Large, weightless fish float in a soundless sea. Wide-eyed, I view countless tropical fish gliding effortlessly in their enchanted environment. The colours of the reef are spectacular. How easily I could spend my dive time perched on the sandy bottom watching two dancing purple shrimp. I move through the water to join a school of silvery jacks while, below, a large sea turtle slowly turns his head to observe me! It is magic. I feel more rested, more alive and more respectful of the universe because, at this moment, I am one of the creatures of the deep. I shoot a few photos--colorful memories for a time when I will sit in my office looking out at the snow. But, I wonder, do I dare dive in the dark next time? Do I dare dive in the black night when the predators come to the reef to eat? How will I see with only the small circumference of light from my flashlight? If something touches my face, how will I know what it is? Can I put myself through that in the dark'? Should I take the risk? The answer is in my heart: It is a resounding yes! Risk-taking delivers such amazing results--I don't want to miss out on anything.

WHO IS MY ROLE MODEL?

AIthough risk-taking is second nature to me now, I often wonder how it all began. I remember being frightened until I was well past my thirties. Each of us has role-models who teach by their example. Mine was my grandmother- When she grieved the loss of her husband, it seemed to me that her way must be the right way to handle death. From the time I was twelve, to the day she joined her mate seventeen years later, I continued to learn from her. My mother watched her mother, too; like me, she learned. When my father died of a heart-attack, my sister, our mother and I were devastated. We all suffered the grief that a family feels when it is fragmented. We knew without a doubt that nothing could ever be the same. As the nursery rhyme goes, '.. all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.' Mother moved from shock through darkest grief to deep despair. She nurtured that grief and kept it alive, just as she had seen her mother do. Until one day--a champion in her heart--she sat up and said, 'Enough!' Enough. She knew what she needed to be happy and she decided to go back into the world and find it. She joined the senior citizens' center, played bingo twice a week, and stopped by the pool each evening when the elderly gentlemen were likely to be there. One day during a visit to my house, mother spotted a lovely fellow cutting his grass. She asked who he was. When we explained that he was a neighbor who had recently lost his wife, she demanded we invite him for coffee. We did. And we thought nothing more of the incident until I learned she had returned home and called the gentleman. They struck up a long-distance telephone relationship. This led to a lunch invitation a week later and mother drove the four-hour trip back to our city just to enjoy lunch with her new acquaintance. Three lunches later, the two of them defied all propriety and left for Florida together. Six months later, they were married; today they live happily collecting sunshine and seashells. I have a new role model! How fortunate it was for me my mother decided she had enough. I feel such a sense of pride in her zest to spend her days creating happiness instead of despair. Now, when I think Bob behaves badly, I tease him and say, my next husband won't do that!"

COMMITMENT

I tell people in my audiences: You must love your work. If you cannot love your work, you must leave your work. If you cannot leave your work, then choose to love your work. It can be done. Similarly, I believe I must love my husband. If for some reason I simply cannot love my husband, then I must leave my husband. If, however, I cannot leave my husband, then I must choose to love my husband. Loving is a choosing that I can do. I love Bob, not because he deserves it (he doesn't always!) but because I choose to love him. Some days it is easier than others. I have no doubt that he feels the same way about me, too. All people want to be loved-when they deserve it and when they don't. I know I don't deserve to be loved all the time, but I also know I want to be loved in spite my faults and blunders. We understand unconditional love with children--when we love the child but disapprove of the behavior--so, why is it different for adults? Big people have the same needs. Make a decision about your work and your spouse. If you can love, do it! If you find you cannot. you must begin again. You do not deserve to spend another day locked into a situation with no hope for happiness. Some people simply do not give marriage their best shot. The reasoning may go like this: 'Probably my spouse will leave me some day.. .1 see it happen all around me.. .1 will not give this relationship all my energy because if I try my very best and it does not work, I will be totally devastated... but, if I only try a little and it doesn't work, I can always say I could have tried harder and it wouldn't have ended.' Make a commitment to your spouse and watch the results. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. I love Bob and I know he has much to teach me. If I walk away because life is hard, I will no doubt find myself in the same situation again. The lessons must be learned. Life is not a soap opera, nor is it reflected in the drama of soap opera stories. Marriage-real life marriage provides the best growing experiences in our world of reality. Yes, sometimes the grass does look greener elsewhere, but I know, deep in my heart, a fleeting romance could never replace twenty-one years of memories, pain, laughter and loving.

A FUNNY DEFINITION OF LOVE

Shortly offer my marriage to Bob; I let go of the idea of romantic love. But how I longed for the trappings, the small shows of love I could brag about to my neighbor, my sister and my friends. I was raised on the fairy tale notion that flowers and gifts were symbols of true love; if they weren't presented to me, I must be unloved. I was slow to recognize that straight talk; honor and integrity were part of a better, bigger parcel. I am ashamed to say I ached for fancy wrapping when, all those years; I already possessed the most precious gift. We can learn a new definition of love. When I first met Bob, I complimented him and he felt good about himself. He liked himself when he was with me and decided he must love me. He also said the nice things I needed to hear about me; for the first time, I liked myself. And when I looked at this man, I decided that I must love him. We love those who make us feel good about ourselves. That's how love grows. How does love go? After we had been married for some time, I began to criticize Bob; before long, he stopped feeling good about himself. Then he stopped liking himself. Eventually, he stopped liking me, too. He told me negative things about me and if wasn't long until I stopped liking myself. When I looked out at him, I decided I didn't like him either. I knew this wasn't good enough; this wasn't the reason we came together. How, I wondered, could I possibly recapture our lost love? I began by keeping my criticisms to myself. I only told Bob wonderful things about him. I praised him often and kept the negatives inside until he began to like himself again. Soon, he looked at his loving wife and decided he loved me again. He began to express kinder things to me and not only did I love myself, I loved him, too. How do two people recapture the magic? Look for it. It's always there. Go back to the beginning when you saw only the positive. When Bob was negative, I used to say, "You're always so negative and nasty!" He'd only get worse. Now when he is negative, I say, "Bobby, that's not like you, dear!" While it may be like him, I insist it isn't-and he stops! I am just beginning to see how effective this strategy is with children, too. And, if it works with Bob and it works with kids, maybe the next time I talk to myself, I can change my negative tapes to positive ones. After all, I'm responsible for loving me, too; I am the only one who knows exactly how much love I need.

PHILOSOPHY BACKFIRES

One might say I'm a poor driver. Some years ago, my driver's license was suspended after I lost all of my points. I've also endured my share of accidents, although they seldom involved other moving vehicles. The latest fiasco occurred when I backed out of the garage while the back door of the car was still open. As I reached the divider, the door just fell off. Suffice it to say there was considerable strain around our house for a while. Another experience occurred on a main street where I encountered a man whose driving skills were even worse than mine. His ill-planned attempt to pass my car on a narrow city street nearly caused a head-on collision. He swerved into traffic ahead of me with just enough time to clear and stopped abruptly at a red light. I was furious. I jumped out of my car and charged towards him. He saw me coming and rolled down his window. He looked up at me and said, 'Lady, I'm sorry.' I was astounded. I said, "You're sorry! Well, alright!" and quickly returned to me car. What else could I do'? I'm sorry. Such a small phrase. It can extinguish the heat of any potential argument. And it doesn't take as much energy to express it as it does to defend our behavior. Saying the words, "I'm sorry" requires tough love. Tough love requires right or responsible action at all times; it does not join in with misery or grief. When you behave badly, catch yourself. Remember, we have two selves within-our small self and our bigger one. Make yourself pay attention to your higher self and let it be the one who guides you.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

It is far easier to blame someone else for my failings than it is for me to accept personal responsibility. And, if someone else is to blame for my unhappiness, it follows that someone else must change before I can be happy. The bad news is it is impossible to change someone else. The future looks bleak. The good news? I can change myself. When I take responsibility for my life, when I am willing, I can initiate immediate change. I am responsible. I am in charge of my life and my happiness, Beginning right now, I can choose laughter over tears. When my life feels painful, I need only take an honest look inside me to pinpoint the choices that caused my pain. And all I have to do the next time is choose a different course in order to gain different results. It's astonishing how that works! Many people actually learn to love their pain; they cannot feel joy in its absence. Those who need guilt and poverty, for example, suffer a serious lack of self-love, I take responsibility for loving myself and for living my life with as much joy as I can generate, There are days when I can hardly believe how happy I am. One of the secrets I learned is: There is more than one right way to do anything. My way feels right to me, but I am aware that many others would choose a different way. As I learn to respect the ways of others, I also realize I may even be wrong sometimes. In the midst of an argument with Bob, I'll say, "Stop, Bobby. You're right, I'm wrong and I'm sorry." He says he hates it when I do that because, by that point, our difference of opinion is over. I take responsibility for my feelings, too. I no longer say, "I wonder why he did that to me?" It becomes: "I wonder why he did that?" The result of asking a question without the "to me" tagged on is that I can answer my own question without getting caught up in the pain. People do not do things to us-they just do them, Ask why and you will gain a greater understanding of your fellow man. Ask why often enough, and you will gain a greater understanding of yourself.

GOD IS THE ARCHITECT, I AM THE BUILDER

Are you the kind of person who waits for your life to happen? Many do. They believe God controls their destiny and prayer may result in a better life; if it doesn't, they just keep on praying and do little else. I like the phrase, "God helps those who help themselves." I truly believe each of us is responsible for doing our very best to make our lives turn out well. Certainly, I pray; in truth, I give it my best shot and hope to assist the outcome. Two statements have made a great impact on my life. One is: Failing to plan is planning to fail. We must know who we are and where we want to go. We also need tools, training and perseverance in order to follow our dreams. Some people are too busy being busy to stop and think about what they want to do, be or have. Take time to plan your life. Take time to make a list of all your dreams and wishes. Do you know there are people who spend more time planning Christmas dinner than they spend planning the rest of their lives? Of course it takes time to plan! But give yourself the time and write your list-do it for you. The second statement is: You need a blueprint for your life. Truth. No builder would even begin without a blueprint. I used to spin my wheels, never getting a start in any direction. The problem was, I was simply hoping to survive. I never thought to succeed! Today, I plan my life. I know who I am and I know where I want to go. As I go through my day, I frequently ask myself, "Is this activity taking me closer to, or further from, my goal?" If it is taking me closer, I continue; if it's the other way, I stop. All it means is setting out in the right direction and changing course as often as necessary. Just as I plan. I remember to be flexible. I am willing to adapt, adjust, and overcome obstacles as they come. I understand nothing worth having is going to be an easy gain. I have also learned that the joy is in the struggle, not in the achievement. And as soon as I achieve a goal, I enjoy that unmistakable surge of excitement, I savour the pleasure of that moment-and quickly set another goal. Struggles and all, the journey is always more fulfilling than the destination. We are all goal-setting individuals who need targets; this is how we experience the true energy of living. Each morning I make up my bed and get the wrinkles out. Then I make up my mind and get the wrinkles out. I don't always know everything that will happen to me, but I always know how I will feel.

BEST-WORST THINGS

There is no such thing as a bad experience. Yes, some are less pleasant than others, and some even hurt, but all are of great value. They shape me, make me who I am and what I am destined to be. Life is the proving ground that gives me the chance to find out what I am made of. I must never say, "I am only a human being," because I am truly "a human becoming." We are all "becoming," each assembled by a myriad of experiences, both common and unique. My father used to remind me that when one door closes, another always opens. Of course, he was right--but it's so difficult to see bad experiences in a good light as they are taking place. I vividly remember the afternoon when Bob and I were robbed at knife point on the beach in Dominican Republic. As we walked on the sun-kissed sand and listened to the waves crash against the shore, two men rushed out of the jungle and stole our money and our jewelery. Was that a bad experience? You might say it was. I say it was wonderful! The thieves could have killed either one of us-that would have been tragic. We might have been permanently injured-that, too, would be tragic. Even now, the thought of watching my Bob bleed in the sand brings back the nightmare. But Bob and I stood in that moment and realized how very much we loved each other. For several weeks afterward, we clung to each other and spoke of our love. It was something we had seldom done during the post few years of our marriage. When I think of Bob's whispered, "I love you's," I realize a few hundred dollars and two gold bracelets were a small price to pay. Bad things don't happen. It's just that we automatically see the experiences in a negative way. For instance, I was once fired from a job I loved. I was devastated. I realize now that had I not been fired, I would still be there-not exactly a fate worse than death but I might never have otherwise achieved my potential as a speaker and author. It was one of those best-worst things. Make no mistake-when I am in the midst of a "bad" experience, it feels terrible. But I can look back on my life now and see the good results of each painful moment. What a tremendous reminder of how important it is for each of us to live in the now moment.

NOW MOMENT LIVING

I try to live the philosophy of "just for today" because, at last, I realize nothing really matters except now I allowed the pain of my past to plague me and it took so much precious energy just trying to remember or trying to forget. The past was my taskmaster--it dictated how I would feel each day-and I was fearful of what my future might hold. The first most important lesson is: Let go of the past; understand that my future depends entirely upon what I do today, not upon wasteful worrying about actions I cannot change. So many people lead lives damaged by past pain and future fear; I don't want to be one of them. One of life's great lessons is to just let go; now is all that matters. This is not to say I do it perfectly. Occasionally, when I'm involved in something I've looked forward to for a long time, I find myself already anticipating a future event. The Christmas season is an excellent example. From September on, I plan, shop and wrap. I create candy houses, and decorate our tree on the first of December 50 we can enjoy the festivities for a long time. Home-baked goodies go into the freezer, invitations are sent to friends and family. I usually buy a new outfit, in my favourite colour of red, to wear on the special day. When Christmas Day arrives, where am I? Flopped on the couch, too exhausted to climb into my new dress. What am I doing? Thinking about New Year's Eve, speculating as to whether or not the sales will start in time for me to shop for something special to wear. Stop where you are. It doesn't have to be that way! Live through your pain. You can experience it, and go through to the other side. Feel the feelings of each moment or you'll miss your life through a simple lack of focus. Throughout my travels, I meet many people I may never see again. Still, the fleeting moment-eye contact, warm hugs-all lock in to my memory forever. My life is a colourful collage of memories which would be distant and clouded now, had I not opened myself to the experience of the moment. We can let each experience wash over us like a great wave. Shakespeare wrote, "So here hath been dawning another blue day. Think. Wilt thou let it slip useless away?" I think not. I live my life just for today .

MY FATHER

Many daughters and fathers enjoy a special bond. The relationship with my dad was very precious to me. When I was a teenager, the two of us shared many long conversations and, although I often disliked the advice, I listened intently to his words because it just felt good to be there with him. Back then, I had not yet developed any real sense of mortality; as is true with most children, my belief was that everything in my world would always remain intact. Only people who had terrible diseases could die; the rest of us would live forever. The first jolt was when my father suffered a heart attack. I prayed feverishly that he would live; so much was unsaid, so much was unfinished between us. He did recover; soon after, I wrote him a letter so he would know how much he was loved. I told him how much impact he had on me and how I wanted him to be part of my life forever. We were close, my father and I. Six years later, as we hugged goodbye at the end of a visit, I thought about how strong he seemed since his recovery. Late that night, my mother called to tell me his heart had stopped. I couldn't believe it. I sat up in bed and remembered our hug-I could still smell the scent of his aftershave--how could this happen? He felt so strong! How could he be gone from me? I did not cry then. Bob and I waited for the dawn, wakened our children and traveled to Toronto to the funeral. There, my mother gave me the letter I had written to my father so long ago. Dad had treasured it all those years and I keep it now. How glad I am that I expressed the things I needed to say to my beloved father. Do you have a letter to write today? It is important for me to tell others to write their letters now--let our loved ones know how we feel while they still live. Perhaps it is even more important to write a letter to someone with whom we are angry; anger translates into great pain if the friend or relative is suddenly gone from us. We need to forgive, not necessarily because the person deserves it, but because we deserve it. All of us deserve to be centered and in harmony with each other-our world won't remain intact forever-and there is still so much to be said.

HEALING THOUGHTS

I get so angry at funerals! It seems that no one knows how to handle the raw and choking pain. My anger is most often directed at well-meaning ministers who use funeral services as a platform; they use the time to warn the rest of us about sin and the price of entry into heaven. I just wish we could hear of love, peace and forgiveness--of the order of our universe and perfect planning- -of purpose and memories. I wish the one who delivered the eulogy knew and loved the still body as we did. I received only one strength during my father's funeral. It was when Jack told me a story of a ship builder and his friend. He said the two stood at the edge of the sea, watching the newest ship set sail. The ship got smaller and smaller as it became a tiny speck on the horizon, where the ocean met the sky. When the speck disappeared, the ship builder sighed and said, "Ah, my ship is now gone." His friend replied, "No, your ship is not gone. It is gone from your experience and from your sight, but it still exists as strong and as fair as before. And now, on some distant shore, someone is calling, 'Look, my ship...it is coming in!"' I loved Jack for sharing the story. I was able to gain my strength from its message. My father made such a difference in my life; the world really was a better place when he was here. And from the experience of his teaching and love, I am dedicated to follow his example-to make a difference in the world-and trust it will be a better place because I am here.

THE FAIRY TALE OF PERFECTION

Our generation of women was raised on fairy tales, soap operas and Harlequin Romance novels. We learned to believe that some day, a fairy godmother would wave her magic wand and poof I we'd live happily-ever-after. Or, better still, our knight in shining amour would magically whisk us away upon his white horse-off to a distant place where everyday life is free of boredom and drudgery. We did not learn to take responsibility for our own happiness. Some women think they are modem because they buy lottery tickets; they fuel a deep-rooted wish that life could be improved through luck or magic. The most significant step in my personal growth was when I finally rid myself of the notion that happiness comes from outside. I love the poster that says: "Serenity is not peace after the storm. Serenity is peace amid the storm." Yes, my life will be wonderful when everything is right, but what I really want is for my life to be wonderful all the time! I understand now I must take complete responsibility for my feelings and my actions. There was a time when I believed that other people made me feel unhappy. I often cried, "Why did he do that to me?" I learned to drop the words "to me" and ask instead, "Why did he do that?" I was then able to answer my own question painlessly. People do not do things to you; they just do them. The power to direct my life is within me. When life becomes painful, I simply look back at the choices I made. And I choose again. My destiny has not been written; it depends entirely upon my decisions and my choices. When I believed my happiness came from others, I was not happy because it meant others would have to change in order for my world to be right again. It is difficult for me to change someone else, but I can change myself. There is no perfection in fairy godmothers, magic wands, or knights on white horses. Luck and magic play no part in my life. Happiness begins from the inside; it begins with the knowledge that I am the only one who is truly responsible for my destiny.

WHATEVER YOU THINK--YOU ARE RIGHT

It's astonishing to know I am the source of my own joy or sorrow. My thoughts predict every result in every area of my life. If I think I can't, I am right. If I think I can, I am right. Thoughts have tremendous influence over our behaviour. I used to say I was hopeless and, although I may not have been right at the time, I reinforced the thought until I believed it. In order to change that result, I had to change my thoughts. Training in graphics and advertising taught me how to sell products through the use of colour, lettering and words. It dawned on me: I am in the business of living; I am the only product I have to sell. How can I sell the product to someone else if I don't buy it? I have to like myself first before anyone else will like me. One day, I developed a strategy to change the way I felt about myself. I began by designing a clever advertisement about me. It read: "Images of Susan, feminine perfection that enchants the world." Audiences laugh when I tell this. They are right if they think my statement may not have been the truth; but I was not hopeless, either. Yet, the longer I believed it, the closer to truth it became. My plan was to generate reverse results by exchanging a negative belief for a positive one. And, before I went to sleep each night, I placed the ad on the bedside table. One morning, I was greeted by the sounds of my children playing downstairs. It was obvious they were engaged in an activity which they had been warned not to repeat. Here was the game: Three year-old Michael sprinkled a circular path of Rice Krispies, from kitchen to dining room to living room. His two-year-old brother, Rob, followed the lead, and marched across the cereal. Next, the dog devoured the crunched Rice Krispies and threw up in the dining room. My first impulse that particular morning was to charge downstairs, punish the boys, and kick the dog. But wait-there on the bedside table sat my ad "...feminine perfection that enchants the world." Oh, yes: a choice. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, combed my hair. Wrapped in my pink dotted-Swiss housecoat, I floated down the stairs like Leave It To Beaver's mother. I was sweet-I gently popped each child into his highchair, escorted the dog out to the yard, and cleaned up the dining room. I must do all the things that have to be done by me. The only power I have is in howl do them. What are the things you are avoiding? Decide what kind of person you are now and who you want to be. Create an image page. Then, during stressful moments, match yourself-thoughts, attitude, response, behaviour - to the personalized description of the you in your advertisement. Day by day, we can change the way we feel about ourselves and generate new results. Day by day, we can change our lives.

WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?

We are often faced with things we don't really want to do. This is where the magic of options can make the task at hand more palatable. The question is, how do we determine what our options are? I discovered a plan called The Three D's: Delegate, Delete or Do. These choices are always mine. In each situation, I decide on the option that will be the best one for me. A colourful example was when there was doggy-do in my dining room. I had three options: Delegate the clean-up to my two youngsters-not a good choice; Delete the job entirely, let the stuff dry up and kick it out the door-also not an acceptable choice; Do it myself-the best option for me at the time. Not only did I clean up the mess, I did so with all of the sweetness and grace of my newly defined nature. Procrastination. That's another problem many of us burden ourselves with. We invest more time worrying about a project than it would take to complete it. Here's the philosophy I use: Do it, Do it right, Do It Right Now! I used to say, "I do all the things that need to be done by me." It was a powerful and helpful affirmation. Later, as I became busier with my family, business, travel and social life, I decided to give myself a promotion. I appointed myself manager of my life. Why? Managers don't do things-they get them done! Now I say, "I do all the things that need to be done by me or I get them done." When my house gets messy, I use my options. I clean it up. delegate the children to help by giving each of them a list of jobs or enlist a housework company to come in and do it The truth is, I cannot always do everything. Many women find this to be true, especially those of us who are employed or participate in community work outside of our homes. Still, things need to get done. If I cannot or choose not to do everything, my job is to see that they get done. I enjoy earning an income and don't resent paying some of this money to other people who are trying to earn a living, too. As I tell Bob, it's a good way to circulate my money into the universe. He just rolls his eyes.

UNEXPECTED SURPRISES

The door bell just rang. I greeted a young delivery man bearing gifts-pink carnations from my friend, Norma. It's pouring rain outside and I've been working in my office all day. I wasn't feeling happy or sad, I was just focused on the work that had to be done. In one instant, my focus flashed to my friendship with Norma. She lives a long way from me and we don't see each other as often as I would like. The most pleasant surprise to me is, in spite of the distance between us, we are very close. I value our friendship so much. What makes someone want to brighten another's day? Caring. Genuine caring. Now, I know I care for Norma and she cares for me, but until this moment, I hadn't been thinking about our friendship. Her gift of flowers was a warm way of catching my attention and saying, "I care about you." It's a warm feeling. There are many people I care about. Now is the time to make a list of family, friends and fellows. It isn't always important that I prove my caring, but I like to find ways to touch each life in some significant way. Sometimes, I write a loving letter. Other times, a phone call, a remembered promise, a small gift to remind the person that I'm thinking about them; the thought is what counts. Once I sent my best friend a gigantic fortune cookie. It arrived at her new office on her first day of work. The card said, "Luck has nothing to do with your promotion.. your fortune predicts great success in your future!" It didn't cost very much, but I know it meant a great deal to my friend. It's funny how often we think about another person, yet they are unaware of our thoughts because we don't think to share them. We must take the time to remember how much we really do care-and let that person know about it. My day is brighter when I receive an unexpected gift; the rewards are doubled when I send one to someone else.

GARBAGE IN--GARBAGE OUT

T here is a computer theory called: G.l.G.O. It means "garbage in-garbage out." Computers are the mechanical monsters of this century--if you input incorrect information, incorrect information comes out. Our minds are more marvelous than any computer; still, if you load it with incorrect information, that is exactly what comes out. When I take charge of my thoughts and monitor what goes on in my head, my experiences reflect the ideas that are allowed to dominate my mind. If I think about negative ideas, negative things will happen to me. When positive thoughts fill my mind, my life unfolds with joyful events. I must plant beautiful thoughts if that is what I want to harvest. This business of living demands that I use affirmations to help change the course of my life. Affirmations are well-chosen words that help me change my mind about myself. My favourite is this: "The benevolent universe is rigged in my behalf; I cannot escape my good." That thought has carried me through many experiences which might otherwise have been perceived as negative. Some other excellent affirmations are: I am a beautiful woman,inside and out. I expect only the best, and I get it. I am inwardly calm and outwardly poised. People love me and I love people. I'm glad to be alive. I light up my world and I light up my life. I worry about our children. We try so hard to help them to be exceptional that we point out every flaw and refrain from applauding their efforts. Their image is so easily damaged and they often lash out with inappropriate behaviour. I used to berate my kids for keeping messy rooms. "This room is a disaster. You are such a slob," I'd scold. Rob would sigh-and leave the room just the way it was. I have learned to adjust my reaction at the sight of Rob's untidy room. I say, "Rob, I cannot believe the state of your room, honey. That's not like you!" Within an hour, my son cleans his room because he believes what I tell him. If I say it's not like him, then he decides to change it. The G.l.G.O. theory holds true unless you turn it around. Fill your mind with correct information and you will create positive results. Input encouraging words and you will produce positive actions. It's the wonderful technology of the mind. Underneath lie hearts of gold, courage and common sense. And we can all be loving friends of different sorts and kinds. Who help each other open up the onions of our minds.

LIFE BALANCE

Have you noticed how easily you can focus on one area of your life while you neglect other equally important areas? I have. I developed tunnel-vision and did not realize it until my family became upset. Work took priority-or so it appeared-and my husband and children felt they didn't matter enough. Real happiness is rooted in the delicate balance of all the important areas of our lives. Once you begin to set goals, be sure they encompass each of the following: family, work, community, physical, educational, social, spiritual, and financial. Check your list for balance and make sure it contains a number of goals in each area before you continue. People can forget what matters most in their lives. They'll pursue smaller dreams only to wake up and find they have lost the real essence of life. I do not want to lose my family while I make my way toward financial success; true success does not exist if we have no one to share it with. Sometimes I am absorbed in my work and must force myself to stop because Michael wants me to go to the shopping mall with him, or Bob invites me to go outside with him to watch the birds and drink a cup of coffee. Although my work is very important to me, nothing is more important than my children and husband. Relationships matter much more than experiences; work is only an experience. And everything matters more than dust! Some people actually believe that cleaning and dusting are priorities! Precious moments with friends and family are given up in favour of doing their housework. I keep a close check on my life balance and constantly remind myself of my goals. I often ask myself the question, "Is this taking me closer to, or farther from, my goal?" The answer depends upon the importance of the goal. One of my goals is to enjoy a quality relationship with my husband; another is to finish my book. When I sit outside sipping coffee with Bob, I am closer to the goal of a quality relationship but farther from the goal of finishing the book. At that point, it's necessary to decide which goal is more important to me. The choice: Bob. My priorities are clear-my family is always more important than business.

WHAT MATTERS MOST?

Once I record all the things I want to do, be, or have, I examine that long list and rank them in order of importance. What do I want most? What do I want next? If I could only have ten goals, which ones would I choose? If I put my entire goal list in order of priority, which goal would be at the end of the list? What do I want least? The process is called designing a blueprint for life. No wonder I used to struggle with success-I had no idea what I wanted. John Goddard, one of the most famous goal achievers, said, "Failing to plan is planning to fail." There is a reason that we prioritize our dreams and wishes: everyone can't have everything, but everyone can have something! If that is true, don't you want your some things to be the things you want most? Plus, if you do not prioritize your goal list, you will begin to accomplish your goals in haphazard fashion. Then you'll be upset when you do not achieve the most important ones. We often encounter circumstances which prevent us from accomplishing other things. For instance, I just had new garage doors installed. After the bill showed up, I thought about the advertisement: "I could have had a V-8!" I remembered that what I really wanted was a new kitchen floor; I could have purchased the new kitchen floor instead of the new garage doors. The decision was made without thinking about my priorities. If I can't have everything, I want the some things I do have to be the important things; I am the only one who knows exactly what is important to me. As you itemize your goal list, draw a line under the tenth item and focus on those first ten goals. Anyone can work on ten goals at a time but we risk failure if we inundate ourselves with too much. Know that you can achieve the rest of your list, too, but not right away. Devote your energy to the first ten items in the order of their importance to you. Now you can succeed with your blueprint for life.

ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT!

I remember a time when I set goals-and still didn't get anywhere with them. I wondered why. For example, one goal was to earn more money. So what? Nothing happened. I had to learn to: (1) Be specific; (2) Establish a time frame. Now I say, "I want to lose 100 pounds by one year from today." The goal is specific and the time frame tells me I must begin immediately if I want my reach my goal. Then I begin to plan and break it down for achievement. One hundred pounds is only 2 pounds per week. If I take action steps right now, I will find the way to reach my goal. There are plenty of ingenious ways to accomplish goals. Most people have a problem defining where they want to go. Bob once asked me what kind of car I wanted. I replied, "A white car with a radio." Guess what I got? A white car with a radio! Bob purchased the identical car but his had all of the expensive extras because he was specific when he defined his needs to the salesman. If I want my dreams and wishes to come true, I must be specific. My next car will have an AM-FM radio, tape deck, air conditioning, power steering and other options that are perfectly suited to me. Does this mean I will always get what I want? Not necessarily. But, if I am vague, it's almost certain I won't get what I want. We must always ask for what we want. And we can make use of the opportunities for others to help us if we only give them a chance. I tell people what I want. It doesn't mean they are obligated to give me what I ask for, but at least they know how they can help me if they wish. Learn to ask. Allow others the pleasure of helping you to achieve your goals.

STRONG AT THE BROKEN PLACES

Faith requires us to look at our lives with a different perspective. Bad things do not happen to us-still, we look at our lives, see the things that have happened, and say they were wrong. We have trouble seeing beyond the pain of the present. As I look back on the events in my life, there are no memories that still trigger the intensity of pain I felt when the incidents occurred. Time gives everything a new perspective. I can now see how each experience, good and bad, had its reason. My life is a proving ground. Every day, I am offered opportunities to show life what I am made of. I realize this most, not when I am experiencing a crisis, but when I observe the life traumas of other people. In Dallas last year, I heard a brilliant, compassionate speaker who, by message and example. helped me to change my perspective forever. After wheeling himself to the stage, this man wove magic throughout the entire ballroom. His story was about the tremendous physical and emotional pain he had suffered, and how he had emerged on the other side, able to offer strength and hope to others. His name is W Mitchell. I wondered if the first initial stood for warm, wonderful or witty. I felt ashamed of my small pains in comparison to this person who learned how to smile in spite of adversity. With his deep. resonant voice, he moved his audience from laughter to tears to silence and back. He filled us with his strength and quiet determination to lead richer, deeper lives. There is no doubt-W Mitchell personifies greatness. I will never forget the power of this man-the one who showed us how to see our pain in a different light--his words of wisdom were like rays of sunshine spilled on grass.

TIME GOES BY ANYWAY

Be careful about setting the time frames for your goals. If the timing is not realistic, you'll end up feeling discouraged when the goals don't materialize. Let's say Bob and I want to buy a sail boat and the price is listed at $12000. That's more money than we would like to spend on a boat right now. In fact, even if we are very careful with our spending, we may only be able to set aside $2000 per year. It means our sail boat would not be a reality for another six years. There was a lady by the name of Agnes who, at 80 years of age, told her friend she planned to attend university and obtain her degree in communication. Her friend exclaimed, "Agnes, you are 80 years old! It takes four years to get a degree! You will be 84 by the time you graduate!" Agnes thought for a minute. "Yes," she agreed, "Well, if I Iive...in four years, I will be 84 anyway!" Time does pass. If we refuse to plan or save for our dreams just because it may take too long, time will go by anyway. And some day we will realize that had we begun to plan the dream, it would be part of our experience today. Some people look back on their lives and wish they had performed differently; in spite of the knowledge, they still refuse to plan for the future. Think, for example, of the weight you want to lose. Do you resist beginning the process just because it may take too long? Even if it takes a whole year, the year will go by anyway. If you do nothing now, your future will mirror your past. Time goes by anyway. Plan now. Begin the changes. Take the necessary steps. Your nows-and future-can unfold as a series of proud accomplishments.

LEARN TO PAY THE PRICE

There are people who define their goals but manage, somehow, to fall short of achieving them. Why? Although we know what we want, we are unaware there is a price to be paid. Ours is a benevolent universe the world will deliver everything you want-but it can't deliver until you tell it what you want and the price you are prepared to pay. Herein lies the next step. What will you give up in order to achieve your goals? Your ability to define the price will determine your ultimate success. I believe there are four payments for each goal; with that in mind, I come up with four things I would give up or do to make my dream come true. A good example was my goal of building a better relationship with my husband. I quickly made a list of things that Bob would have to do to enjoy a better relationship with me. Then I presented it to him. Wrong! It was my goal and I am responsible for paying the price. I thought again. Four things I would have to do to make a better relationship with Bob: keep the house as clean as he likes it, spend less money on clothes, quit my excessive smoking habit, and stop criticizing him. The critical point in goal setting happens immediately after you determine the price. Once you know and understand what is required, you can decide whether or not you are really willing to pay it. Did I really want to have a better relationship with Bob? I certainly did. Not only did I willingly pay the price, I achieved the results I had dreamed about. There are no limits to what you can do, be, or have, as long as you pay the price. Do you desire a better relationship with your husband and teenager? How about your neighbour or boss? You can have it all. Just remember: Every goal has a different price and only you can decide how much it is worth to you. If I was unable to think of four payments, I would put my goal into question form. I'd ask, "How can I have a better relationship with Bob?" From my long list of answers, I would select the best four-and begin to make my dreams come true.

I HAVE TO REALLY WANT IT

Once in a while, I realize the price I must pay for my dreams. It stops me in my tracks. I have to do what to make that dream come true? Not this time-the cost is too high! If I decided to increase my income, touch more lives, and achieve greater success in my work, it would be necessary for me to spend more time away from my family. It would mean less time to pursue my artistic endeavour, I would lose ground in the area of health and fitness goals, and I'd have to endure even more lonely nights in hotels. I'm simply not prepared to do that, especially when I'm trying to achieve balance in my world. My family is very important, I love taking time to enjoy nature and I want to further explore my artistic gifts. That's when I have to either say no to the dream or find another way to accomplish it. There is always more than one right way. I examine the options: "Susan, if you want to increase your income, touch more lives and achieve greater success in your work, you can record new voice tapes. Or write another book. Or..." The methods are as limitless as my capacity to create them. These days I plan how to "work smarter, not harder." When you really want something, determine how to make it happen, then come up with viable alternatives. Successful people take a variety of routes to achieve their goals; your way must be effective for you. If your dream is truly worth it, you'll eagerly pay the price.

MY MIND IS LIKE A TORPEDO

I loved to watch cartoons when I was little. One of my favourites was the one in which a torpedo was dispatched towards a target. No matter what, the torpedo always found the target. If it encountered a barrier, that torpedo just kept beeping until it found its way around it. Sometimes it had to go up and over obstacles; at other times, it zoomed beneath them. Regardless of how many barriers it met, the torpedo continued to seek its target until it reached the goal. Boom! Our minds are our goal-setting mechanisms. We can seek our individual targets the same way as the torpedoes did in the cartoons. The only difference is, when we encounter our first barrier, we think, "That's it. I can't do this." We must reaffirm our goals and realize, no matter what barriers we face, we can go up and over, around or under. Absolutely nothing can prevent us from hitting our targets if we are determined to reach them. How many times did I successfully diet for several days, only to give in to a chocolate brownie offered to me at a baby shower? Instead of calling an end to my diet, I could have viewed it as an obstacle. My first choice could have been to avoid the brownie altogether because eating it would take me farther from my goal. If, in fact, I had devoured the brownie before I considered resistance, I only had to realize that, in order to achieve my diet goal, I must "keep on keeping on" until keeping on is second nature. Never give up! We only fail if we quit. We need to forgive ourselves when we slip. A definition of a "bad life" is one that is a series of mistakes; a "good life" is a series of mistakes to which we have made appropriate corrections. We all make mistakes. It is the way we respond to them that really makes the difference. By accepting personal responsibility for my own mistakes, I learn from them and do not repeat the same ones again-I get to make new ones so I can learn from them! I can feel my improvement every day. Target your goals the way the torpedo was programmed to hit its mark. Adjust your direction as you proceed and remember you can.

PASSION

I always wanted to be a high school cheerleader. Even though I tried out every year, it just never happened for me. Now that I'm much wiser, I realize I could have been a different kind of cheerleader--I could have been the kind of cheerleader I am now. I love my life! I'm excited about the work I do and the people I love. There is passion in every area of my life. I also know it is okay to express strong feelings. I don't want to be like those people who are so tightly wrapped they are afraid to show any emotion. You can see they've restrained themselves for so long their passion has died within. The world's great leaders are the ones who possess tremendous passion for a cause and can inspire that passion within others. Each of us experiences intensity for different reasons; we must recognize our personal passions and fuel the flames accordingly. Enjoy your life! Cry at the movies. Laugh at silly jokes. Reach out in empathy when someone needs you, openly receive when you need them. Just don't suppress your emotions; we who are human do have feelings. I am my own cheerleader, cheering me on through my many passions: I love watercolour painting, pottery, gardening, speaking, writing, scuba diving, shopping. good food, my family and friends, working on special projects, and nature in its many spectacular forms. I love to travel, meet new people, try new experiences. And I love to dream new dreams. Passion goes hand-in-hand with goal setting when we fan the flames of our desires and indulge in the pursuit of our dreams. You, too, can board the "street car named Desire"-for desire is the vehicle that takes you wherever you want to go. Just watch you don't get off at the first stop; feel your passions, and let yourself experience the trip all the way to the top. You, too, can be your very own, very best cheerleader.